a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
