a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
