well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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