I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize