I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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