Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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