Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
