I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
