it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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