She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize