i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
