So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
