I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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