I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize