My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
