Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
