Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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