I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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