No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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