you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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