I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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