a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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