Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
