I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize
