brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
