walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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