Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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