My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
