i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I forget how to act sober
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