You can't motorboat a personality
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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