I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
