you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
