dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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