What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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