I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
