Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize