Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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