got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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