You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
