Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
