I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
