she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize