JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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