I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we're making bets on your personal life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
