I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
