Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
