That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
