Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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