In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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