Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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