I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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