I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
