theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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