I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
